That would be one of many words that I would use to describe how I feel during a flare up. A few others, would easily come to mind, even for those who’d never experienced such pain before.
The pain experienced during one of my flare ups, is like nothing else imaginable. Every single time is different, yet also exactly the same. Right now, I’m feeling the same things I was feeling last time I had a flare up, yet I’m also feeling different things.
Now of course, a flare up can be completely different depending on the type of condition a sufferer has, and a flare up can be brought on by a number of completely different things. Plenty of times I’ve had flare ups just because of the weather! Then there’s, a lack of sleep, stress, a lack of movement, just to name a few. Even my own medication, the stuff that’s supposed to help me, can cause me to have horrific flare ups. Then of course.. They can just be random.
Right now, I’m in the middle of a random one, or at least, so I think.
Those of you that’ve read my post a few days ago, know that I had six injections in my back last Tuesday (15/07/14), and whilst the chances of me suffering from a flare up because of those injections, was reasonably high at the time, those chances are now actually a lot less. Then again, it’s a factor that I can’t ignore.
The thing is, it’s easy to ignore. In fact, I wasn’t even going to write this post. If it wasn’t for the fact that I know that I won’t be able to sleep, I would most certainly have left this, and not even bothered, purely because my mentality isn’t with it.
Right now, I can’t even concentrate on what time it is. I’m not concentrating on anything, if I’m quite honest.
I’m in PAIN!
For the first time, as far as I can remember, this flare up is also in my neck. At the bottom of my neck, where it joins my spine. It hurts. My pelvis, hurts. My spine, hurts. My hips, hurt. It all just fucking hurts. The thing is… And this is probably THE MOST depressing thing about it… I can’t do anything about it.
You heard me.
Right now, my heads all over the place. Literally, my thoughts are just like fluid in my brain, with no way of me actually putting a hold on any of them. The only thing I can constantly think about is this pain. It’s not a stabbing pain, or a pinching pain, or an ache. It’s not a “you can take some tablets and you’ll be fine” pain. It’s not a “just ignore it and it’ll go away” type of pain. And it is most certainly not “typical back/neck” pain.
No, I agree, it’s not comparable to child birth. It’s not comparable to getting kicked in the balls either. It’s not comparable to anything. If I had to honestly describe how I feel right now… The only thing that comes to mind is that I’m hurting. I’d cry if I could, but I’ve done that enough over the years. I have a cry, and once I’m done, I’m still in pain. There’s no point.
This, white hot burning poker, is just rammed so far into my joints, it’s unbearable. I move, it hurts. I stay still, it hurts.
This is all something which is familiar throughout my flare ups. The type of pain is different every time, and the way I feel the pain, is also, much much different. Yet the way to describe it, and how I describe it, doesn’t change much. Because there is no other way to describe it.
I know that this type of pain I’m feeling now, is completely different to the pain I was feeling this morning, or even the pain I was feeling in the last flare up. I feel crippled. I almost feel helpless, and powerless to do anything. I can’t do anything. I can take more painkillers yeah, but that will temporarily scrape the surface of it. Yet, it’s worth a try, so I do it anyway.
The funny thing is, it’s in my mind. No literally, it actually takes control of my mind. Being in the state I’m in right now, there’s nothing I can think about. I’ve just had the TV on, yet I couldn’t tell you much about the program I’d just watched. I wasn’t concentrating, nor was I listening. I was just… Staring. My concentration had, and has, just gone completely. This out maybe full of jibe fish for all I know, because I’m just seeing my fingers dart around the screen of my iPad.
I know if I move, it’ll hurt. The only way of thinking about it is like my hips have completely rusted at the joint, and my spine and now including my neck, have just been fused. Even just being sat on my pelvis hurts. Ever heard of anyone complaining of that?
“My pelvis hurts”
It’s strange to think isn’t it?
We’ll think about it, and think about it good, because it fucking hurts. This pain isn’t a nice type of pain. It doesn’t make me feel alive. It doesn’t make me want to go and do something with my life before it gets worse. It makes me want to sit there, and do nothing. Curl up and just let the world pass me by.
I know I can’t do that. Not only do I not want to do that, I can think of two people especially who wouldn’t let me do that. Two, very influential, yet very loving women, who would put themselves through all of this, just so I didn’t have to.
That saddens me.
It saddens me because… They see me like this. Nobody has seen me in this state. People have seen me in agonising pain… But a flare up is 100x worse. Yet these two women have seen me in it, and throughout it. It hurts to know what they’d do for me, but it comforts me at the same time.
Sometimes I’ve thought about giving it all up you know? Especially when it’s like this. The pain… It just becomes too much. There’s only so much one man can take. The feeling of bones actually hurting. The cracking and creaking of the joints as they try to move. The pokers, still has white hot as they were before, slowly moving about.
A life without pain… Imagine what that’d be like. I’ve forgotten now. It’s been too long ago that I’ve experienced such a thing.
Then again… I did have a glimpse of hope once my procedure was done. I could walk for a short while, without being in any pain.
It’s nice to think like that when I’m like this, but those thoughts and memories are just too hard to uncover mentally. There’s like a demon, or some sort of fog within my mind, always appearing whenever I’m in pain, or to be more specific, becoming more opaque, covering my thoughts, memories, feelings and everything that is me, the more and more pain I’m in. So it becomes harder to function. As my body moves slower, so does my mind. Slowed to a halt as this fog takes over. Shortening my concentration. Blocking my cognitive functions, and worst of all, taking away all of my energy.
There’s another thing… This is exhausting. Physically, that’s understandable. Mentally, is something you’d never even begin to imagine. Everyday it’s the same old pain, same old fog. Slowly wearing you down, but there’s a certain amount that can be dealt with. But today? Things go up to 11. Concentration? No. Memory? Ha! Don’t think so. Motivation? Nope. Tiredness? My body is screaming, it’s on fire. My nerves are firing twice the speed they usually do… Yet I want to go to sleep. Please can I go to sleep? But I can’t go to sleep, not yet. That means I have to move, and moving means I’ll be in even more pain. It’s alright, I’ll just sit here for a bit, it’s okay, I can deal with it.
“I can deal with it”
That’s probably the biggest, yet most common lie I’ve ever told myself.
Thing is… You can’t just “deal” with this pain. It’s constantly changing, constantly shifting and changing the way it effects me. Every single day, and yet… You know what’s even worse?
It will never get better. It will get worse.
Over time, of course, but over time or not, that’s something else resting heavily on my mind. Especially when flare ups tend to happen.
A flare up can be a very long, and excruciating reminder that this is my future. This is what I have to “look forward to”. This, is a life that I’m going to lead.
Again, that saddens me.
Yet, throughout all of this… I could wake up tomorrow, and be absolutely fine. I seriously could. Or, I could be exactly the same, or worse. That’s the only trouble with this… Every day is a new day. I seriously just have to live everyday as it comes.
That, my friends, is what I will keep on doing.
There will be some of you reading this, that perhaps will see this as a very negative post. Some of you, will find it incredibly interesting. And some of you will get lost halfway through.
Either way… Just remember this. I’ve suffered through this thing before… I’ll sure as hell be doing it again. Pain is my number one weakness, it’s the only thing I’m scared of, yet it’s the fear I face every single day. Not because I want to, and not because I have anything to prove. I don’t have to prove shit to anybody. I do it, because I won’t stop. I can’t stop. Life will just move on around me, no matter what. I’d rather move with it and do something with my life.
It’s one problem at a time though, and right now, this is taking everything out of me. I’d like to sleep. I think sleep is good. Sleep might help. Will it? Probably not, but I can only hope.
So this is my first time at fully describing a flare up, as it’s actually happening. I hope it’s a good read for some, and an interesting memory for me.
For now.. I’ll let my subconscious take care of the demons wrecking havoc on my body and my mind.
Pain Rating: 9